In this podcast episode, we have the pleasure of featuring a guided-interview with Will Martin, founder of edit4social.com and John Oakes, a PhD holder and weight-loss coach who shares how his academic background has helped him not only in his personal weight loss journey but also in helping others achieve their goals. He talks about the cultural delusions and societal pressure that lead individuals to repeated cycles of failure and shame when trying to lose weight. His key advice to anyone who wants to start losing weight immediately is to change their mindset and stop trying to lose weight fast but instead focus on losing it for the last time. He emphasizes the importance of removing shame as a motivator and instead pursuing something that you truly want. Join us in this insightful conversation as we dive deep into the psychology behind weight loss and learn how to create lasting change in our lives.
Buy my book! 75 EASY: the ultimate challenge for personal growth
Amazon US
UK
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Weight loss coaching - Join the Weight Loss Freedom Academy today
To inquire about 1 -1 Coaching with John - email John at john@oakesweightloss.com
Check out the EASY WAY OUT Blog/Newsletter site
Join the free "Lose Weight with John" community
Watch the Easy Way Out on Youtube
In this podcast episode, we have the pleasure of featuring a guided-interview with Will Martin, founder of edit4social.com and John Oakes, a PhD holder and weight-loss coach who shares how his academic background has helped him not only in his personal weight loss journey but also in helping others achieve their goals. He talks about the cultural delusions and societal pressure that lead individuals to repeated cycles of failure and shame when trying to lose weight. His key advice to anyone who wants to start losing weight immediately is to change their mindset and stop trying to lose weight fast but instead focus on losing it for the last time. He emphasizes the importance of removing shame as a motivator and instead pursuing something that you truly want. Join us in this insightful conversation as we dive deep into the psychology behind weight loss and learn how to create lasting change in our lives.
Buy my book! 75 EASY: the ultimate challenge for personal growth
Amazon US
UK
CA
AU
Weight loss coaching - Join the Weight Loss Freedom Academy today
To inquire about 1 -1 Coaching with John - email John at john@oakesweightloss.com
Check out the EASY WAY OUT Blog/Newsletter site
Join the free "Lose Weight with John" community
Watch the Easy Way Out on Youtube
Speaker 1 0:00
How has your PhD helped you in your weight loss journey? And most importantly, you know, helping others do what you did
John 0:11
you know, you get a PhD and you don't end up becoming a scholar. I got a PhD and sometimes I wonder why, apart from the fact that I just did it for fun. It really did impact my coaching, because a lot of what I a lot of what I examined was, how do people become drawn into marginalized groups somewhat willingly based on cultural delusion. And so I was working with, you know, very poor I'm say this, I was working with, you know, migrants in Sub Saharan Africa, who were kind of stuck between a a xenophobic government and social structure in their in South Africa, but then also dealing with a very demanding and somewhat diluted home culture, and leaving them feeling very high and dry. Obviously, it's different for overweight people. But I've come to find that there are a ton of cultural delusions that lead good people who are trying hard to get better into repeated cycles of failure, repeated cycles of shame, and basically setting themselves up for failure every time they try in good faith to lose weight.
Speaker 1 1:31
Yeah, definitely. No, that makes sense. By the way, I gotta ask, do you have your iPhone recording as the other time?
John 1:38
I don't. Sorry. Trying to set it up if you can.
Unknown Speaker 1:42
Yes, I think that's
John 1:44
I've got this like octopus thing in my new office. So I've just got to like swing it really full. Yeah,
Speaker 1 1:51
I've seen you chase the bank or little bit squared back Well, I
John 1:55
moved so.
Unknown Speaker 1:57
Oh, yeah, that's right. And
Unknown Speaker 1:58
you told me Yeah. How's your new place? Like it?
John 2:06
Yeah, I love it. Up here it's an old house but it's much nicer than my old place. Okay, I need to think this through. I'm just getting to find my gooseneck thingy for sure.
Unknown Speaker 3:04
Sorry, I forgot about this. No worries
Unknown Speaker 3:32
I've been off vaping sorry.
John 3:37
I'm far away from my other camera show same as last
Speaker 1 3:43
time, I mean, you don't want to be too close though. To be honest. Because you know bear in mind we can always go closer with the editing but we cannot go farther so
John 3:57
I'm not trying to get close ups don't worry. I've got it about 25 centimeters right of my other camera is that
Unknown Speaker 4:09
I can Yeah. That's
Speaker 1 4:11
although we'll make sure it doesn't get the door maybe if possible
Speaker 1 4:26
Yeah, so I was sending me an offer in a couple of weeks off vaping and I'm talking Yeah, man. I've been I like run out of them. And my pug that gets me the babies from America because here in Europe 5% of the Canadians just illegal read so my pug is in is in another city and I gotta gotta get a fucking You know, shipping company to get them there from from there to here, right? No, no, no, no, no, we not like nicotine like, yeah,
John 5:13
it's illegal in Spain.
Speaker 1 5:15
It's it's illegal that is evolve 2% of nicotine. And in America, they are off 5%. So, yeah. And once you try the 5% is like you cannot go back, right. But anyways, can you move around? Yeah, no worries.
Unknown Speaker 5:41
If you can
Speaker 1 5:43
move the mic a little bit closer to your mouth, because I'm like, I'm just
John 5:47
trying to get the camera and some reason it looks. It's completely different. But the iPhone looks dark. For some reason. I don't know why.
Speaker 3 5:58
Right. Well, it's not like dark. It's just not as I'm not as not as bright.
John 6:09
To get rolling on this
Unknown Speaker 6:15
it's gonna have to do. Okay. Mike?
John 6:27
Mike. Okay, how are we doing? There you go.
Speaker 1 6:36
Okay, so first question is on. What's the mindset people need to apply to start losing weight today
John 6:47
the biggest mind shifts, the biggest mindset shift that people can go through, to start losing weight immediately is to stop trying to lose weight fast, and start trying to lose it for the last time. And the way you do that many ways. But the biggest thing is, do not motivated by shame, that is harder than you think it is. But it's really worth your time to sit down and look at your motivations and ask yourself, Is this am I trying to solve a problem? Or am I trying to go after a life and health that I really want, if you're trying to solve a problem, you are just creating a problem.
Unknown Speaker 7:27
You're not taking care of it. As for like taking care of food problem, right? Like, it does try to sell me something.
John 7:38
Here, let me explain. Because if you're if you're losing weight to solve a problem, you're gonna end up
you're gonna end up putting unnecessary pressure on this, you know, basically a marathon, right? You're gonna feel like you have to sprint because you feel like you're in danger, because there's a problem, and you got to solve it now. And that's partially shame. That's upping the, the pressure and the what's the word? Sorry, man was early, my brains not working. And upping the urgency. And you do not need pressure and urgency to make lasting life changes. In fact, they're gonna get in your way. So by removing the shame, as a motivator, you end up pursuing something that you truly want, based on the values you have, based on solid thinking, logical thinking, clear headed thinking, not the best, fastest, quickest ways that are just going to get you. They're just going to keep you in the cycle of failure.
Speaker 1 8:47
Definitely. So would you say like, losing weight, as in taking care of a problem, or like solving a problem is more like a short term thinking, rather than the long term thinking of, hey, let's forget about shame, and actually just pursue a different kind of lifestyle, for the health and kind of like, I guess who you want to be right in the long run? Right.
John 9:21
So one way to think about one way to ask yourself, if you're motivating your weight loss out of shame, or if you're motivating it out of your innate values, is, am I trying to solve a problem? Right? Am I trying to lose the weight so that I can be okay? So that I can be loved so that I can be enough so that I can be seen? Because if that's what you're doing, then you're actually just deepening the belief that you aren't loved and that you aren't worthy and that you aren't seen? Until you lose the weight. So you're putting yourself into you're creating a losing proposition right off the bat. Like casting weight loss happens when you are able to cultivate the truth of yourself when you're able to appreciate the truth of your self worth now, and let that inform your decisions, so that your weight loss can be an expression of who you really are and what you truly want, rather than some dad rush to try to solve the problem of you.
Unknown Speaker 10:25
That's that's the plan.
Unknown Speaker 10:28
That's the, to
Speaker 1 10:29
be honest. Love that. Love that answer. Moving on, how tight would you say I like that? You put a lot a bunch of stuff here. I want to touch on a lot. How tight? Tight? Would you say discipline and weight loss are?
John 10:46
Discipline and weight loss are incredibly tight. And they're also on completely different planets. And it depends on what we're talking about when we talk about discipline. If discipline is you getting up and doing the things you love to do every day, even if one day, you kind of don't feel like it. But you're committed to your values and your deepest desires. Great. But if discipline is you getting up doing things you think you have to do in order to be loved, or to have the things you want to have. That is incredibly misguided. And it's how most people motivate their weight loss. I can't tell you how many clients come to me or potential clients come to me. And they say, I just need to be more disciplined. How, where are you going to find it? Discipline is not motivation. Discipline is a guidance system. Discipline tells you where to go, it does not provide you the innate motivation to go there. That comes from the alignment of your desires, your ability and your permission. So one thing you have to ask yourself is whose discipline Am I trying to cultivate here? Is it some Instagram influencers sense of discipline? Or is it mine? Most people don't know themselves well enough to understand what their discipline actually looks like. And quite frankly, most people can forget about discipline, and simply try to avoid solving problems, and simply try to express the truth of who they are in their actions. Because once they start to do that, most days, they're going to start to see results. And other people will look at them and say, Oh, wow, you're being so disciplined. I remember doing this many times somebody when I was in college, in undergrad, I was you know, being pretty healthy. And I was eating like a tuna fish sandwich every day. And because I liked it, and it was easy. And this this girl, you know, it's pretty girl who sat behind me, she, she tapped me on the shoulder. She's like, I'm really impressed. You're so disciplined. I'm like, I must be the first man in the history of the planet to impress a woman by eating a tuna fish sandwich every day. But that is the power of people ascribing what you're doing. She she's like, Oh, you must be you must have such a strong character that you're able to eat that disgusting sandwich every day for the sake of health. It's like, no, it's easy, and I don't mind. But that's what most people do. When they see other people succeeding. They watch other people doing things that they want to do. And they go, Wow, they're so disciplined. So if I want to have what they have, I need to do what they're doing. Or I need to be disciplined, like they're being.
Speaker 1 13:11
Hmm. And and I think what you said earlier, it's like, in order to have what you really wants to have, you got to first figure out what is actually that you want, right? And what is what, as you said, right? What is aligned with your values, because otherwise you won't find discipline. Discipline is just doing what you love, and what is innate to what you believe is right, right. So you said most people don't even know themselves and hence why they struggle by you know, copying or imitating other people's values in order to get what they want. Other people have thinking that that's what they want, right? So it's like, now, what pops up to me is the question of like, how can someone find themselves? Or like, how can you erase all of that distortion and influence and start from scratch and think about, hey, I mean, what is naturally what I'm inclined to, you know.
John 14:09
So if you want to know what you really value, take away all the shoulds remove all the shame, and remove all the fear of failure. What you'll be left with, is what you really like to do. One trick to get yourself into that place is ask yourself, if I won the lottery tomorrow, and I was sitting on $24 million. And my bills were paid. I didn't have to worry about impressing anybody because I can have all the houses and cars, whatever, all the materialistic stuff, I can have it. What then? What would I do with my life? If everything else was taken care of, and there were no fears or shame? Or shoulds driving me when you got 24 million bucks. A lot of society's rules don't really apply to you anymore. So what would you do if you were frickin rich? All of a sudden? I asked my have that question one day when I was in my mid 20s? And I answered the question, I said, I would get a PhD. So I did. And it was a great decision. I didn't end up working in academia. But that was also a good decision. Exactly.
Unknown Speaker 15:17
Why? Yeah.
John 15:20
And so, I continue to, that's why I do this, because I asked myself if I was completely taken care of, and there was, I wasn't trying to solve any problems, I was just doing the things that are most important to me, what would I do, I would get on the internet and talk to people and try to help them. And that's why I do what I do.
Speaker 1 15:39
Beautiful, man, beautiful, you know, the thing is, like, and I don't want to get derailed, because I know we can. But it's like,
Speaker 4 15:47
when I ask myself that question, because I asked myself that question before.
Speaker 1 15:52
What come? What naturally comes to me being realistic and being true to myself is like, and when I had the opportunity, like, quote, unquote, when I had all my bills paid, and, you know, university life type of stuff, where I was making more money, and, and I was having that freedom, right? And, and get got rid of all the all of that all of those rules and shame and chutes and all that are, what I did is basically just indulge in short term pleasure, right? Whether that be drugs or, you know, meaningless sex and fast food, stuff like that, right? Which got me into a really bad place, to be honest, right? And over the course of, you know, several months, sometimes even years, right, but it's like, when, when, when I when I dove deep into that the conclusions that are made some times it's like, hey, is there is there like, there's probably a problem with me, right? Because if naturally, what I'm inclined to do is something that's bad for me, like, What the hell is wrong with me? You know what I mean? Like, why would I not rather do something that I know is going to be given me better mentally and physically in the long term? Right? Even though I know right, what's its little bit fucked up?
Unknown Speaker 17:12
Why would you,
John 17:13
but it's not there's nothing wrong with you. If you're continually doing things that you don't really want to do. And you're not doing the things that deep down you want to do? People have been grappling with this question for a long time. In fact, even the apostle Paul, St. Paul, depending on your religion, said in Romans, I do the things I don't want to do, and I don't do the things I want to do. Even that guy was puzzled by this aspect of, of being human. So you're not alone? And honestly, this question, once I read that, as a young man trying to figure out how to be good, and you know, being perfect Christian boy. It caused me to wonder like, how do we get out of that? And that question has honestly, been part of what brought me here is wondering how can we do the things we want to do and not do the things we don't want to do? And I've realized that a lot of most of us have never been taught the difference between our impulses, and our compulsions. We haven't been taught anything about this. So we often identify impulse as the kind of the same thing as compulsion. But impulse is, you see a bus coming at somebody, and you go, grab them out of the street. impulses, good. Impulse is your innate values being expressed in your actions. Impulse is I want to draw a picture. So I draw a picture, I want to go to the gym. So I go to the gym. Right? I want to buy that thing. So I buy the thing. Now you can temper impulse, with your higher consciousness, right, emotions can come up, and emotions will come up with some sort of impulse attached to them. So if you get angry, here's the emotion, here's the impulse, there are two separate things. What you can learn to do is say, Okay, I'm angry, I want to punch that guy. But if I honor the emotion of anger, I can actually cognitively choose my reaction and say, I'm not going to act with that reaction. I'm going to take a more thoughtful approach that's going to better my interests in the long run. So what I really want deep down, I'm going to do that in response to this anger. And when you're doing that, you're actually honoring the anger your brain is seeing that you're honoring the the emotional signals sent you. Because there's clearly an issue, something is pissing you off. And for your own survival and that of the group. You need to resolve that. But compulsion is different compulsion is when an emotion arises, and you feel like you can't be there with it. So we end up reacting to the emotion. We have to do this because we're not willing to honor the emotion. Let me give you an example. You get home from work you're really stressed out, you're really tired. And an emotion comes up and says, eat, eat, eat. And so we do you feel bad about yourself. So you drink, right? We feel certain things. And because we're not willing to be with the emotion, we have to act on the compulsion that's being suggested. But what happens is, so a lot of times people are eating a bunch of foods that they don't really want, right? Their emotional eating is the number one issue facing people with weight issues. What they're not seeing is that they're eating is a compulsion, not an impulse, because a compulsion is trying to solve the problem of the feeling that you're feeling. So notice next time, you are entering into a compulsion that there's an emotion there that you're incredibly uncomfortable with. And it's the discomfort with that emotion that's causing you to try to fix it or distract from it with the drugs or the alcohol, or the sex or the food or the Netflix or working too late, or whatever it is. It can be exercise. If you're disconnecting away from your emotions, rather than feeling them being there with them. Then you're acting in compulsion, even if it looks healthy from the outside. It's not
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